above: photo of me on my 2nd birthday, with my Dad's side of my family, in Missouri You can see my Mom and Dad cheesing in this photo, she has glasses on, and he has his arm around her. They look so happy. It's my second birthday, and we are visiting Missouri. I do know who a little under half of these people are, my relatives from my Dad's side. My Grandma is in the blue shirt, next to her first cousin, Aunt Ruby. My blond brother is standing behind me. My Dad's sister is in the purple next to me, and my Grandpa is in the maroon on the very top right.
I do wonder who the man in the bowtie is, and I wonder who the woman is to the left of my Dad. My parents divorced not too long after this photo, during my second year, I think. Maybe I was a wee bit older. So, I grew up with my Iñupiaq side, which is an entirely different world. My Mom intentionally raised me to be Iñupiaq. I would visit again at around 6 (the porch swing photo from an earlier post) and at 12 years old, I remember visiting because my Mom was getting her Masters degree in Iowa, so we went down when I was 12, and also 14 and 16. I think. Memories are blurred. The world of Missouri was a stark contrast to the world of my Iñupiaq relatives, in the Arctic. It was quite a juxtaposition to hold, during my childhood, and even today.
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above: a photo of me and my (half)brother Billy when I was a kid I had a brother, from my Dad's first marriage. We didn't grow up together, but he came up to Alaska when I was a kid, a few different times. He was 11 years older than I. He had been separated from the family for a bit, so I saved up money by working two jobs after high school, and as an 18 year old, I moved to the South of the USA to find him. I got a place to stay, and I searched for him and found him.
He welcomed me with open arms, when I finally did find him, following a clue that led me to walking house to house. We remained close until his murder around 2011. It wasn't officially declared a murder, it is an unsolved mystery in St. Louis, Missouri. He did tell me about it in a dream, not too long afterwards. He had a glowing body, a bright glowing yellow body in that dream. I still miss my brother and have many fond memories of him back in the 90's. He helped me buy my first car. We went on a cross country adventure together. When I get to know people, and they let me know they have lost a sibling, I can empathize, because of my own sharp loss. A photo of me as a kid, maybe 6 or 7 years old, at the trailer I grew up in, in Fairbanks, Alaska. I remember I used to emerge out to entertain my audience, which usually just consisted of my Mom, but at times, when family would visit, I would get my costume together and my plan, and I would emerge, much like the photo above.
I wonder who was visiting with these beautiful cowboy boots, that I borrowed to use for this performance. When I moved to Texas, I decided that I needed cowboy boots, so I bought fancy ones at Dandy Western Wear, in Sweetwater, Texas. My boots are made by the Anderson Bean Boot Company, and are made to last at least 10 years, if not a lifetime. I have hiked in them, and appreciate the technology of the boots, because the tough skin around the feet, I think they could defeat even an unexpected snake bite. I also bought the largest cowboy hat they had, and when I would wear the combo and talk to artists that either knew me before, or I had met in residence, I would joke, "the only thing I'm missing is the gun!" I still want an even larger cowboy hat. I remember being a performer, a writer, a visual artist, a dancer, all when I was just a little kid. I do not remember who owned the boots in the above photo, yet I am curious, because they look like legit cowboy boots, maybe even Anderson Bean ones. above: photo of me at around five years old I was a young actress in a play that my Mom wrote, directed and produced each year. I played the role of an angel, and I remember being backstage, with the other angels, in our costumes, all of us girls bunched together, waiting for our cue to emerge out onto the stage. We were electric, and giggly.
The play unfolded the nativity, yet all the dialouge was in Iñupiaq. Songs sung, by a choir. I later became Mary, holding a newly born younger cousin of mine. Also at a young age, I was an actress in a short local commercial. I was a patient in a dentist chair. I remember the bright lights, and another cue, which I executed well. Now that I am older, I understand that Elders can easily observe traits in young people that are growing up before their eyes. I have seen glimpses of performance traits within one of my own young nieces, and I have talked to her parents about this. I imagine my Mom, who took this photo, thinking about my traits that were emerging, and how she thrust me into a commercial, and encouraged me to play an instrument and put me amongst the angels in the wings, waiting to play our part in a larger story. I like this photo because much later on, I would take on the character of a polar bear. above: a photo of my mom and dad, taken before I was born I remember this dress, when I was a young girl. I wanted her to keep it for me, as I imagined myself growing into it, as it hung in the flimsy wooden closet of our trailer. It held promise.
She ended up giving it to my culturally adopted sister, who did fit it at the time, and I remember being upset, expressing myself to my Mom, not understanding that holding onto it for years and years, that dust might settle upon it, that it might lose it's sheen, it's appeal. My Mom passed in 2020, and recently, I finally had the right energy to digitize all of her old photos. I was afraid of weeping before, yet now, I am able to reflect, and am happy to see glimmers of her through different moments in time. Like this one, before I was even a glint in her eye, next to her love, a man from Missouri, who is also part American Indian, a mystery that I am unwrapping. My Dad is still here. He lives about a 10-12 hour drive from me, and we have gotten closer since her passing. Here in Texas, I explain my southern accent by being half from "Missoura". These photos reveal myself to me. I see her shining, and I think of my own smile. Shaped by their love, by the anticipation of me. Above - photo of me as a possible 11 year old, with my dog, Nanook. I changed my name, it became official on December 31st, 2024. I have a new name for the new year! My former legal name was Allison Ann Warden, and my artist name was Allison Akootchook Warden. My artistic name had integrated one of my traditional Iñupiaq names, Akootchook. Now, my legal name is Aisa (pronounced Eye-suh) Warden.
It is also my artistic name. Everyone is curious as to WHY I changed my name. I'm not ready to share the full story here now, yet I can say that I love having a new name! It does go along with my major move from Alaska to Texas, which happened in October of 2023. It is a support to that major move. Above, I am wearing a cowboy hat and scarf, which makes me think that I must have known somehow that I would eventually become a Texan! More soon, I am redesigning my entire site to honor my change in my name. My niece asked me if she can still call me Allison, and I said no. I am Aisa now! |
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